Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this