What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
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“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
He took my last fry, your honor
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd