Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
This kid is a star!
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?