Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
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[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
This will never not be funny 😭
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
thank god
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”