[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Monday
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.