[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.