INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬