People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
When someone says you are so lazy
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man