I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
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“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.