“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
step 6: release the wall snake
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended