Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Ooops wrong house😂😜
new career option?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.