[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Breaking news:
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
grotesque if literal: baby food
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
craving $300 all of a sudden
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that