Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
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How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”