[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Sorry not sorry.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.