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‘CargoAndBoxer’
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses