May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.