Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
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if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.