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The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together