Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Yep.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.