I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough