told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner