Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses