[loses house key, starts a new life]
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Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.