Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Hey I worked for it too!
Doctors texting each other.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁