My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk