In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once