[the middle of showering] I need a break
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Yup
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Close call…
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.