Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS