me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
what
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!