Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
me after eating Cheetos
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?