If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.