If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.