Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
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Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Breaking news:
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.