Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m crying im so happy for them
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!