Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I know
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
there’s probably a fee though
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?