Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
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Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please