[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Matt Goss
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.