Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
They got a point!
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.