I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I gave up going to work for lent.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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