As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
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ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.