I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
You Might Also Like
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Kermit goes Blue.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!