me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
What about second breakfast?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
how it started vs how it ended
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do