If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
the greatest twitter interaction
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Put this video in the Louvre
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: