We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
You Might Also Like
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
You learn something every day
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”