My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
#Caturday
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I hope they boil the right one.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.