I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
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I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship