When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
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GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.