Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Me recordaron éste meme
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun