[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them