mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
“TGIM!” – My liver
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.